Of solitude

Past, present and future seem so unreal sometimes...

I've lost the spark I once had and replaced it with confusion, wrath, despair and hopelessness.

I used to live and love

Now I just live.

And although I'm really not alone, my neverending wish for "my other half" seemed to reach a point where nothing feels like passion anymore. Now kisses, sex, nor touch seem to make me feel alive.

Camila, Nicole, and Emi you where my first kisses, sweet and tender, each one of you made me feel immortal, unreachable. I was Icarus flying straight to the sun. But Icarus decided that flying was not worth it if I was the only one doing it... so I ripped apart my wings, and left a scar in my body. It bled, but it ended soon.

Emi: You where the first "real deal", between alcohol, drugs, and smoke we spend so many moments. Those where the fastest two weeks in my life. Your Body was the first I ever touched. It meant so much to me... you are one of a kind. 

Herxghost: For you I felt love like never before... you were my temple, my complement, and everything I've ever felt, thought and dreamt about love was made flesh into your arms. I will never forget those kisses, the first time we hugged each other and the feeling I had when you walked away. I was shattered, broken, lost and lonely without you.

All I have to say is thank you. Because I loved you. Now I know how heavy and overwhelming can love be, when it ends.

Every possible damage done, I tell you deep from inside my heart and soul... I'm sorry.

Forgive me cause I won't forget you... my once little red panda.

There was the Mini Girl too, she was interesting and outgoing, thanks to her I changed and became what I am today, it all ended as a mutual according agreement. 

Then there was Fer, somewhere in between it was Cata dear, and sweet Cata... Oh my god I adore you!!, you are a true and honest friend in which I can relate. Later there was the Gambino lady. It was fast, way fast... funny, but really ephemeral, it was fun fun fun... way too much fun.

"Later may come thy Queen". And that queen of the darkness taught me so much about me, life, love, and affections. Oh lord do I swear I stand a lot of things... thanks to you I've learned to look in women some things I really didn't noticed before... the maternal part, the protective role, and above all... goals. I thank you those teachings. You do are a teacher, you taught me so much and I thank you for that. 

Then it got weird... with Kamila and Angel-A both as ephemeral as they were uninteresting. One was just a 'lil bit psycho (and a one time thing), and the other was cause I was trying to capture thin air, impossible and unreal... plain fiction to be honest. 

And now there's another one, but we're just friends... and this time my life got weirder.

I guess a phrase about the song "Vermillion" is still too true to fit in perfectly... She isn't real. I cant make her real.